Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
