I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
