Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
