don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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