she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize