I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
