My hand turned me down
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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