I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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