Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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