Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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