I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
two words: eviction party
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
