I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
