I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize