You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize