Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
