I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I am available for nakedness
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
