they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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