Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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