i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
