dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
