I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
do herpes really smell.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
