i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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