Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize