My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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