So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
