Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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