Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
