just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
