Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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