So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
