just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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