today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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