what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
