i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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