Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
