ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
