I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
