i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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