if you like me you must not know who I am
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
