I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
