i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
