i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize