I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
