Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
