best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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