Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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