for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
