he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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