I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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