i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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