The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
