I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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