Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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