is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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