just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
