i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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