I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
