after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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