Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
