??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize