but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
