She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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