i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Boobs are out for the taking
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
