I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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