party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
