Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
